We all want our marriage to be a success. Here are seven proven tips for marriage success. If you are struggling or just want to improve your marriage then these tips for marriage success will help you.
1. Think and speak the best of your partner
The first tip for marriage success is to understand that men need to feel respected; women need to feel loved. I can only share as a woman what I have learnt and that is; men react negatively (either through withdrawing or by being angry) when they feel put down, inadequate and disrespected.
I made a choice when I married my husband Bill; to respect him both privately and publicly. I therefore sought to only speak positively about him while in public. Little did I know at the time that it was one of the major documented tips for marriage success!
2. Don’t try to change your partner.
One of the most destructive things for marriage success is trying to change your partner instead of accepting him/her for who they are.
When I met Bill there were some things that I didn’t like, but I convinced myself that I could change them over time.
Fifty one years later
I’ve discovered that I can’t change him! Instead, I have sort to accept and respect him for who he is. He will tell you that he has no sense of what colours or styles that go together when choosing what to wear, so he asks me. Marriage is meant to complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses – that’s what we have found.
Manipulating to get your partner to change only leads to strengthening the first point and brings a feeling for the man of being inadequate and disrespected and a feeling of being unloved for the woman.
3. Learn your partners love language
The third tip to marriage success is to understand that love makes requests, not demands. If we’re to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each others desires.
Each of us has one or more of five love languages. The love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service and physical touch. Do you know your partner’s love language?
Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. Verbal compliments or words of appreciation are a powerful communicators of love. If this is your love language, then receiving compliments will mean the world to you.
Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important to you — hearing the reasons behind that loving affirmation will send your spirit soaring. Insults, on the other hand, can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
Just being there for this type of person is critical, for nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Time is a strong communicator of love. The love language of quality time is that of quality conversation – two individuals sharing their thoughts and feelings together.
Distractions or the failure to listen for someone whose love language is quality time can be especially hurtful.
Women can often multitask, that is they can manage several things at once, while men generally would rather focus on one thing at a time. So if your spouse’s love language is quality time, take this into consideration, for you may miss it if you don’t give him your undivided attention.
Bill’s love language is quality time, so I have had to make this adjustment.
The receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. If this is your love language , a missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift could be disastrous.
At the heart of love is the spirit of giving. All five love languages challenge us to give to our spouse, but for some, receiving gifts indicate a visible symbol of love.
Acts of Service
If acts of service is your love language having someone express their love for you by doing things for you will speak volumes. Your love for them is expressed by saying, “Let me do that for you.”
Many men make the mistake of thinking that by just providing an income should make their partner happy. But if acts of service are not your spouse’s love language, you can miss it!
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is physical touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face— they can all be ways to show you care, you are concerned and love them.
These are the five love languages. Learn your partner’s love language, encourage it and you‘ll be encouraged as you see your love for each other grow! It works!!!!!!!!!!!
4. Use “I” messages when communicating
.I-messages empower marriage success by focusing on what you feel about your partner’s behavior and simply stating a problem, without blaming your partner for it.
“You” messages, on the other hand, can destroy communication and make the person feel put down. e. g. You always _____________. This can lead to conflict as the partner can feel put down.
When you use an “I” message your communication is enhanced e. g. I feel ______________ (express your feeling) when you _____________ (describe the action that affects you or relates to the feeling) because ______________ (explain how the action affects you or relates to the feeling)
5. Don’t judge your partner.
Judging others breeds expectancy. Judgement has such force that our response and actions force others to fulfil it. For instance, someone who has been rejected expects to be rejected and interacts with others in a way that produces rejection.
When you judge your partner it produces a root of bitterness and hinders marriage success. When another person offends our standard, we form a judgement. If we fail to forgive the person and continue to judge them, a root of bitterness springs up.
True forgiveness is not just saying sorry or choosing to put it behind you and move on. True forgiveness is releasing the judgement of the action or words. It is no longer blaming the person, even though they are blame worthy. Therefore, you can no longer bring up the situation again!
It is a known fact that when you continue to judge your partner and fail to forgive you’ll be effected emotionally, as well as physically. We have seen many people healed physically and emotionally after forgiving their partner or those who have offended them.
Be released by shifting or cancelling the blame
To forgive from the heart you must release your partner by shifting or cancelling the blame and allow God, the Righteous Judge, to deal with him/her! When you choose to remove the judgment (it’s a choice, not a feeling) the emotional consequences that come through unforgiveness and physical ailments as a result of you judging your partner, will disappear.
6. Know your partner’s buttons
Everyone has buttons that get pushed, and everyone has someone close to them that pushes his/her buttons. The secret is to know the buttons that push your spouse to react.
Button bushing is the result of a previous highly emotional past event that effected you neurologically and therefore creates very quick automatic reaction of irritation, fear, anger, rage, guilt, etc. causing you to say and do things we regret later.
Dr Aiko Hormann tells of how button pushing can affect a marriage. She writes,” A married couple – one incident of ugly fight – facial expression, tone of voice, body gesture etc. are strongly registered when their reticular formation is wide open.
After this incident, every time they saw each other and heard their mate’s voice, their buttons would get pushed (whole gamut of that experience would flood into their mind). This is when emotional ‘hijacking’ takes place. They can’t stand each other even though they still love each other. Because of their “button bushing”, they cannot communicate. Therefore their relationship deteriorates!”
Releasing your partner in forgiveness
Releasing your partner in forgiveness is a start but the trigger mechanism has to be defused at a neurological level in order for you to be healed. Bill and I have seen many healed after praying for them and defusing the neurological link between the memories of the event and the emotional reactions to the event. For marriage success it’s important to know each others buttons and be sensitive not to push them.
7. Don’t expect your partner to fill up your love tank
Child psychologists affirm that a basic need for children is to feel loved. They need to sense that he or she belongs and is wanted. When this need is adequately met, the child will likely develop into a responsible adult. Without that love, he or she will be emotionally and socially retarded.
The emotional need for love, however, is not simply a childhood phenomenon. That need follows us into adulthood and into marriage. After the honeymoon stage is over and we come down from the high of the “in love” obsession, the emotional need for love resurfaces because it is fundamental to our nature.
It is at the centre of our emotional desires
We needed love before we “fell in love,” and we will need it as long as we live. When your love tank is full, everything is going as planned. Adversely, you can become unhappy, confused, and lonely when you do not feel loved and look to your partner to fill your love tank. Many times they are not able to adequately meet your needs due to the fact that they too have a depleted love tank.
A tip for marriage success
You may not like me saying this but it is true , I’ve proved it in my own life, it’s a tip for marriage success; the only person who can really fill our depleted love tanks, is God. When God filled me with his love, I was able to love Bill so much more.
Watch this short video and discover how God can fill you with his love.